WLS is not easy

Weight loss surgery is NOT easy. It is NOT an easy way out. It is NOT a quick fix. There so many aspects that one can NEVER be prepared for when it comes to altering your body so that you can regain your health and save your life. Most of us have become over weight for many reasons; genetics, emotional eaters, over eaters etc. I have the genetic part along with emotional eating. And when you go under the knife to reduce the size of your stomach to..oh I don't know...the SIZE OF AN EGG, one can only be prepared. Yes, you go through a psychological exam and they clear you for surgery based on the ability of you understanding what you are getting your self into and that you understand it will be hard work. Sure, we all got cleared and we all had an understanding of what we THOUGHT was going to happen, but no one prepared us for the hormonal surges that are caused by estrogen being released into our system at a fast pace, no one prepared us for head hunger, no one prepared us for life situations that normally we would eat our way through. Sure, we can eat our way through emotional times, BUT, then we are sitting over the toilet either puking or crapping ourselves to death from dumping syndrome, or you over eat and you have the most uncomfortable feeling in your pouch that the only way to relieve the pain is by throwing it all up. None of this is fun, so we try to avoid it at all cost.

Then comes one aspect that I was never prepared for...being a college graduate, unemployed and already being manic depressed...but having my depression being there full force and stressed out because of finances. Well, for me, when I am depressed, and yes I am on medication, I lay around the house or sleep. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't have school work to keep me busy, I don't have work during the day to keep me busy. I can get my housework done in a matter of a couple of hours. I am too broke to go anywhere fun. Since my husband has about a 30min commute to work, we need to save all the gas we can. I just feel stuck. I am not a homebody but lately I have to be. And it is just not fun. It is not helping me lose this weight. I am stuck between 92-96lbs lost. After reading so many people's journey's, I feel like I am so behind on where I am supposed to be. But what keeps me going is that I know when I get a job, I will be able to keep my self preoccupied so that I don't eat, or lay around doing nothing. 

People have said that I need to get out and exercise, ok, I do that. I go for an almost 3 mile walk. I clean the house. But what do I do with the rest of my time?!? If I go for a walk around 9, I get home at 10. I clean until 12 and then I have nothing to do until 6pm when I start making dinner for when my husband wakes up. He works nights. 

So I am going to make some plans for this coming week, which is really hard to do, since I am unemployed and have applied to many positions around my area, I need to be willing and ready to go to an interview at a moments notice. But I am going to TRY to plan out my week and that will hopefully get me in a better mood. And take my mind off other things as well. 

I am also going to start the 5DPT on Monday to get my self back on track and get these carbs out of my system. It's holding me back in more ways than one. 

Wow, I do feel better after writing. Ok, until next time. Which might be later tonight...I am going to go start planning out my week!!

Loves!

Long time....no see!

Wow! I guess I fail as a blogger. The last time I posted on this blog was the day night/morning before my psychologist appointment. So I suppose I should update everyone before I get into starting this blog on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I can't give you exact dates, except surgery date, but I will do my best.

So after I saw the psychologist, things went by fast. She cleared me to have the surgery. At that time I was still on insulin and was instructed, I believe my start date was April 20th, to get on a partial all liquid diet. By partial I mean that I could have 1 meal a day, and that meal was supposed to be a frozen, I forgot the brand, meal. It was the right amount of portions and the right amount of carbs and all that fun stuff. So, I started it. I lost a significant amount of weight and got off my insulin...PRAISE JESUS!! I hated those damn shots. Anyways, that was the most difficult 3 months I have ever had to endure. But I succeeded and July 23, 2012 I had my RNY Gastric Bypass surgery.

Everything went by the book, except that they found an umbilical hernia. The first 2 weeks after surgery, all though it went by fast, it was the longest and most uncomfortable 2 weeks of my life. I was very emotional, I was very uncomfortable, I was mad at my self  and can't believe I allowed to put my self through this. I was mourning food. Food was my addiction and I was able to rely on it when I was feeling any sort of emotion, and the fact that I could not turn to it in times of need made for a really messed up brain. But you get passed it. It comes back from time to time. I also learned that my taste buds had changed, things I loved pre surgery, I no longer could stomach or even stand the taste of. Things that I hated before, I was able to tolerate. So weird.

Ok fast forward to November. The week before Thanksgiving, I was again under the knife. They went in and fixed my umbilical hernia and finished my gastric bypass. Again, I was so mad because I hate being in pain and uncomfortable, but it only lasted about a week. Still, it was lame. But I got through it. However, now I am adamant about not having another abdominal surgery unless it's a c-section. Ha-ha.

And fast forward again, here I am 49 weeks and 2 days out from surgery. I am approaching my 1 year surgerversary. I can't believe it already. But with that said, I am stuck. I am stuck between 92-96lbs lost. At times I feel like a failure and that I am not where I should be. But I also have not had a lot of the major complications a few of my fellow WLS patient friends have had. I can eat just about anything and everything with no complications; no dumping or things getting stuck. Of course, it's not nearly as much as I did before. ok, so you ask why is this a problem, because I feel it has slowed my weight loss down. But, I must also add that I do not work out nearly as much as I should be. I have never been one to work out, never really got into it. I love how it makes me feel in the end, but I just don't have alot of motivation right now.

However, when I look at where I was and where I am today. I am proud of myself. I am considered borderline diabetic now, I have more energy and I can do things that I couldn't do almost 100lbs heavier. Friends have said, especially those that have known me since middle school, that I am back to my old self. When I was unhealthy, I shut down and shut people out. But I am back to fun loving and outgoing self. Yay!

There are some major factors going on in my life right now, that once those get figured out, I think I will be able to get back on track with things. I know I should put myself first, but I have never been one to put my self before others. I need to make sure that my family is taken care of. Not only did I have gastric bypass in the last year, but I also attended and GRADUATED college. Now that I am no longer in school, and I have nothing to keep my mind preoccupied and don't have a job, I am obsessively searching for a job and constantly worrying about bills and other financial things. But this is all temporary, and I will find my perfect job soon. Then, once that is all handled, I am confident that  I will be able to focus back on my self and continue on with my journey.

I see people who have come so far in such a little time and it makes me feel even more as a failure and that I am doing things all wrong. It makes me resent them a bit. It has made me feel like shutting down my FB page so I don't see it on a regular basis. BUT...I have to remember that this is a marathon not the Olympics. It doesnt matter when you finish, just as long as you finish. Slow and steady wins the race. However you want to look at it, but it makes me feel better. Yes, there are things I can change and I can re do, but I am only human and can only do so many different things in my life before a ball gets dropped.

I have recently joined a group on FB and have felt so much support and love within minutes of joining. This is the first time that I have been in a group with a bunch of strangers and felt that we are all working towards one end goal, but we are going at a different pace and need each other to support us through.

So there you have it, a super long blog with a fast paced look at where I left off until now. Of course I am open to any and all questions. I will be picking up from here on a regular basis. There is so much that I want to say and so much that I want people to hear/read, but I feel like I can't do that on FB, that people get annoyed with all my posts. So I am going to turn her to get some of most detailed thoughts and revelations and post the link so people can read it.

Ok, now time for progression pics!!!