Long time no blog

It has been a minute since I last spoke about my journey. And I will fully admit it is not going well. The pregnancy definitley hindered the process. I am at a 35 gain and sitting. It's not going anywhere. I did join a gym but I am also severely anemic and am having a hard time with energy levels. So....I had my first iron infusion, I dont fee it did much, we will see what the blood test says in a couple weeks, may need another infusion. I also got a new job with different hours. so instead of working out in the morning, I will/am working out in the evening after work.

I have been reading this book, will enter the title later, but it's basically giving me some tips on how I can train my brain with the change of the WLS. WLS is more than the weight loss factor of things, you need to change your eating habits and your exercise habits, but most importantly, in my opinion, you need to change or refigure your mind. So the book suggest that when you are dealing with high emotional issues and you are tempted to go towards food, you go towards another task. So I am going to  work on blogging again.

High emotional? So I am here blogging. Why? What's causing my high emotions today? The twins are now 2 and Sakura is developementally delayed. She does not talk. Her communication skills are at a level of an 8-10 month old. In other areas she is about 6 months behind, and they are worried about autisim. But they are worried about everyone on the spectrum, in my opionon. So we are going to start on early intervention, and home stuff. It was just a lot to take in and i have taken it personally. I feel that I could have prevented it some how, or something. Of course everyone says that I did nothing wrong, but it's just me.

Ok. Hubby is up from his nap. I guess I will finish later.

Birth Story

So I have decided to write my birth story in the blog instead of just posting it to Facebook so that people have the option to click on a link and go read it instead of feeling forced to read it. I will try not to be so graphic. But I have had many people ask me about my birth story since I had twins vaginally. So here we go.

Sunday night 2/23/14, I was admitted to the hospital for induction. Around 11pm I had a balloon inserted into my cervix to help ripen and soften it. A balloon is inserted behind my cervix and in front of cervix, both are blown up with water. The pressure of the two balloons against my cervix does the trick. It was left in there for 12 hours. Let me just say...the whole process of having that thing inserted HURT so bad....and then was SOOOOOOOOO annoying. I kept telling Dale that I felt like a boy trying to poop, you know, they have to hold up their junk when sitting on the toilet, I had to hold a cord between my legs. UNCOMFORTABLE! Anywho,  after 12 hours I was checked and had dilated to 4cm from 1cm. They decided to take the balloons out, break A's water and start me on pitocin. That went smooth, no issues there, they asked me if I wanted to have an epidural right away, I said no, I wanted to labor for a bit without having much intervention. Why? Because with my last labor/birth, the first sign of a contraction, I wanted an epidural, and knowing this was my last pregnancy, I wanted to know what labor felt like. OH BOY DID I EVER! The contractions were good, the pain was some what tolerable, I asked for something to just take the edge off and they gave it to me. Let me tell you, I was higher than I damn kite! So funny!! I was saying funny things, acting funny, had funny faces and I told the nurse that I like her so much! But....that didn't last long, the drugs at least. Soon the contractions were right on top of each other and were becoming unbearable. So....epidural I got. Yes, my best friend. I love that damn thing. So I labored pain free, well for the most part, I could feel pressure, but the pain wasn't there. I sat at 6cm for a long time....they came and checked me again, it was only 15min in between checks, and I had gone to 9cm. So, I was wheeled into the operating room, when you have multiples, you will be delivering in the operating room just in case they need to do a c-section. Anyways, I was wheeled in at 327am 2/25/14. 1 hour and 4min later Sakura Grace was born in 3 pushes and 1 contraction. She weighed in at 3lbs 15.5 oz and 17something inches long. She immediately took 10ml of donor breast milk. She went into the next room, was being cared for by NICU nurses, not that she had anything wrong, she was just small. My mom and Tatiana got to hang out in the room with them, for 2 hours, when the finally decided to take her down to the NICU and wait for her sister to make her appearance. Well, from the time that Sakura came out I had to "labor down", meaning, labor and bring Addison into the birth canal. While that was happening, I was getting the WORST back and hip pain, THE WORST!!!!! I was pressing my epidural button, but it only releases meds every 10min when you do that, it wasn't helping, finally, the nurses convinced the anesthesiologist to come and put meds directly into my line for me, he was hesitant because he didn't think I was going to be able to push Addison out, but the pain was so bad it needed to be done. THANK GOD FOR EPIDURAL. So I labored......for 4 hours and a little bit of help from the vacuum, Addison Irene decided she wanted to show us her cute lil face. At 819am, Addison was born "sunny side up", which was the cause of my horrible back and hip pain. Lil Addi was 5lbs 1oz and 18something inches long.

Throughout this whole process I had the MOST amazing nurses and doctors!! I became really attached to my nurses Nancy and Rachel. The sweetest the ever!!!!! Nancy was my over night nurse and Rachel was my day time nurse. Nancy was able to see Sakura be born, but because Addison decided to take her sweet time, she didn't get to see her. Rachel had Tuesday off so she didn't get to see either of them. Dr. Singson delivered Sakura, and tried to stick around as long as he could to see Addison, but he had to go home, so Dr. Kim delivered Addison. Also, I had a 2 year med/nursing student shadowing my nurse who was present for Addison's delivery and this was his very first birthing experience. Some might be creeped out by that, but I am all for teaching/learning and was so happy/proud to be part of his first experience...oh and his first time holding a new born!! Amazing. Love it!!!! Anyways, back to my awesome team. Later Tuesday evening when Nancy came back to work she took her break and come to visit me in the family birth center...to meet Addison. So amazing. So happy. I just love her!!! Then the next day when I was moved up to the 7th floor of Randall Children's Hospital, Rachel came by to see me and meet the girls. Unfortunately, I wasn't there and neither was Sakura, but she did get to meet Addi. Then...later...Dr. Singson came by to meet the baby he was supposed to deliver, but she took her sweet time.

So that is my birth story, not super crazy, but it was for sure memorable!!! And NOPE...I won't do it again! Haha!!

WLS is not easy

Weight loss surgery is NOT easy. It is NOT an easy way out. It is NOT a quick fix. There so many aspects that one can NEVER be prepared for when it comes to altering your body so that you can regain your health and save your life. Most of us have become over weight for many reasons; genetics, emotional eaters, over eaters etc. I have the genetic part along with emotional eating. And when you go under the knife to reduce the size of your stomach to..oh I don't know...the SIZE OF AN EGG, one can only be prepared. Yes, you go through a psychological exam and they clear you for surgery based on the ability of you understanding what you are getting your self into and that you understand it will be hard work. Sure, we all got cleared and we all had an understanding of what we THOUGHT was going to happen, but no one prepared us for the hormonal surges that are caused by estrogen being released into our system at a fast pace, no one prepared us for head hunger, no one prepared us for life situations that normally we would eat our way through. Sure, we can eat our way through emotional times, BUT, then we are sitting over the toilet either puking or crapping ourselves to death from dumping syndrome, or you over eat and you have the most uncomfortable feeling in your pouch that the only way to relieve the pain is by throwing it all up. None of this is fun, so we try to avoid it at all cost.

Then comes one aspect that I was never prepared for...being a college graduate, unemployed and already being manic depressed...but having my depression being there full force and stressed out because of finances. Well, for me, when I am depressed, and yes I am on medication, I lay around the house or sleep. I have no motivation to do anything. I don't have school work to keep me busy, I don't have work during the day to keep me busy. I can get my housework done in a matter of a couple of hours. I am too broke to go anywhere fun. Since my husband has about a 30min commute to work, we need to save all the gas we can. I just feel stuck. I am not a homebody but lately I have to be. And it is just not fun. It is not helping me lose this weight. I am stuck between 92-96lbs lost. After reading so many people's journey's, I feel like I am so behind on where I am supposed to be. But what keeps me going is that I know when I get a job, I will be able to keep my self preoccupied so that I don't eat, or lay around doing nothing. 

People have said that I need to get out and exercise, ok, I do that. I go for an almost 3 mile walk. I clean the house. But what do I do with the rest of my time?!? If I go for a walk around 9, I get home at 10. I clean until 12 and then I have nothing to do until 6pm when I start making dinner for when my husband wakes up. He works nights. 

So I am going to make some plans for this coming week, which is really hard to do, since I am unemployed and have applied to many positions around my area, I need to be willing and ready to go to an interview at a moments notice. But I am going to TRY to plan out my week and that will hopefully get me in a better mood. And take my mind off other things as well. 

I am also going to start the 5DPT on Monday to get my self back on track and get these carbs out of my system. It's holding me back in more ways than one. 

Wow, I do feel better after writing. Ok, until next time. Which might be later tonight...I am going to go start planning out my week!!

Loves!

Long time....no see!

Wow! I guess I fail as a blogger. The last time I posted on this blog was the day night/morning before my psychologist appointment. So I suppose I should update everyone before I get into starting this blog on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I can't give you exact dates, except surgery date, but I will do my best.

So after I saw the psychologist, things went by fast. She cleared me to have the surgery. At that time I was still on insulin and was instructed, I believe my start date was April 20th, to get on a partial all liquid diet. By partial I mean that I could have 1 meal a day, and that meal was supposed to be a frozen, I forgot the brand, meal. It was the right amount of portions and the right amount of carbs and all that fun stuff. So, I started it. I lost a significant amount of weight and got off my insulin...PRAISE JESUS!! I hated those damn shots. Anyways, that was the most difficult 3 months I have ever had to endure. But I succeeded and July 23, 2012 I had my RNY Gastric Bypass surgery.

Everything went by the book, except that they found an umbilical hernia. The first 2 weeks after surgery, all though it went by fast, it was the longest and most uncomfortable 2 weeks of my life. I was very emotional, I was very uncomfortable, I was mad at my self  and can't believe I allowed to put my self through this. I was mourning food. Food was my addiction and I was able to rely on it when I was feeling any sort of emotion, and the fact that I could not turn to it in times of need made for a really messed up brain. But you get passed it. It comes back from time to time. I also learned that my taste buds had changed, things I loved pre surgery, I no longer could stomach or even stand the taste of. Things that I hated before, I was able to tolerate. So weird.

Ok fast forward to November. The week before Thanksgiving, I was again under the knife. They went in and fixed my umbilical hernia and finished my gastric bypass. Again, I was so mad because I hate being in pain and uncomfortable, but it only lasted about a week. Still, it was lame. But I got through it. However, now I am adamant about not having another abdominal surgery unless it's a c-section. Ha-ha.

And fast forward again, here I am 49 weeks and 2 days out from surgery. I am approaching my 1 year surgerversary. I can't believe it already. But with that said, I am stuck. I am stuck between 92-96lbs lost. At times I feel like a failure and that I am not where I should be. But I also have not had a lot of the major complications a few of my fellow WLS patient friends have had. I can eat just about anything and everything with no complications; no dumping or things getting stuck. Of course, it's not nearly as much as I did before. ok, so you ask why is this a problem, because I feel it has slowed my weight loss down. But, I must also add that I do not work out nearly as much as I should be. I have never been one to work out, never really got into it. I love how it makes me feel in the end, but I just don't have alot of motivation right now.

However, when I look at where I was and where I am today. I am proud of myself. I am considered borderline diabetic now, I have more energy and I can do things that I couldn't do almost 100lbs heavier. Friends have said, especially those that have known me since middle school, that I am back to my old self. When I was unhealthy, I shut down and shut people out. But I am back to fun loving and outgoing self. Yay!

There are some major factors going on in my life right now, that once those get figured out, I think I will be able to get back on track with things. I know I should put myself first, but I have never been one to put my self before others. I need to make sure that my family is taken care of. Not only did I have gastric bypass in the last year, but I also attended and GRADUATED college. Now that I am no longer in school, and I have nothing to keep my mind preoccupied and don't have a job, I am obsessively searching for a job and constantly worrying about bills and other financial things. But this is all temporary, and I will find my perfect job soon. Then, once that is all handled, I am confident that  I will be able to focus back on my self and continue on with my journey.

I see people who have come so far in such a little time and it makes me feel even more as a failure and that I am doing things all wrong. It makes me resent them a bit. It has made me feel like shutting down my FB page so I don't see it on a regular basis. BUT...I have to remember that this is a marathon not the Olympics. It doesnt matter when you finish, just as long as you finish. Slow and steady wins the race. However you want to look at it, but it makes me feel better. Yes, there are things I can change and I can re do, but I am only human and can only do so many different things in my life before a ball gets dropped.

I have recently joined a group on FB and have felt so much support and love within minutes of joining. This is the first time that I have been in a group with a bunch of strangers and felt that we are all working towards one end goal, but we are going at a different pace and need each other to support us through.

So there you have it, a super long blog with a fast paced look at where I left off until now. Of course I am open to any and all questions. I will be picking up from here on a regular basis. There is so much that I want to say and so much that I want people to hear/read, but I feel like I can't do that on FB, that people get annoyed with all my posts. So I am going to turn her to get some of most detailed thoughts and revelations and post the link so people can read it.

Ok, now time for progression pics!!!

Psychologist Tomorrow

So...here it is 140am and I am still awake. Why? Well because I am dying my hair. LOL. But no the main reason why I stayed up so late was because I had to finish my homework that I am behind on from week 1 of school...we are now getting into week 3. But I had so many things happen to me week 1...that I wasn't able to get stuff done. I am 1 chapter and 1 letter away from being finished.

Anyways, went on a bit of a tangent, so tomorrow is my psychologist appointment. I am a little nervous about it, just because I don't know exactly what is going to happen. I have noticed watching YouTube video's that people do not really talk about what happens at the psychologist appt. I am not sure if it's because it is forbidden or what. But unless I don't hear otherwise, I am going to come back tomorrow from my appt and talk about what exactly happened at the appt.

Alright, that is it for now. Gotta go wash out my hair and then go to bed.

GOT MY LETTER and....

So.....ms impatient got her letter. The reason I say ms impatient is because after watching some videos on YouTube this past weekend I started freaking out about being denied and having to do the 6 month weight loss thingy. So I wanted to see if there was any inquiries about my insurance regarding bariatric and I also wanted to know if I had to do the 6 month diet thing. So...no there was no inquiries and no I don't have to do the six month thing. So I called the surgery clinic to see where my application stood, left a message. Well yesterday, literally the minute I walked out of class my phone rings and it was the clinic. The first thing that she asked was if I received the letter yet. At that time, no I had not. So we proceeded to move things along and SCHEDULE APPTS!!!!!!! So...I have my first nutritional consult next Tuesday. And then I go in for all of my initial lab work, ekg, exercise test and sleep test NEXT FRIDAY! It was initially for this coming Friday, but they had to reschedule. But SO WHAT!!! This is moving along pretty fast.

So I get home...and Taadaa...there is my letter!!! It says that I could be having the surgery anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months. YIKES!!!

I have made a few phone calls to different psychologists to start my assessment. I called one yesterday and the lady said she was going to call me right back...NOPE. So I called again today and left a message and then I called another place. I think I want to go with the second place, I looked at her website and I really like the information provided.

So here comes the freak out part. I am freaking out! I have a mixture of emotions right now. I am scared but I am also excited.

I AM NOT OFFICIALLY ON THE JOURNEY TO A NEW HEALTHY ME!!!!!

Nervous

I am getting more and more nervous about getting this letter from the doctor's office. I wonder if I will be denied. I mean, I really shouldn't be denied. I have type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, PCOS and my BMI is like off the charts. So......but there could be that chance that the insurance company does not want me to have this surgery. Oh man. I don't know. Fortunately, with the million you tube videos I watch, I have yet to come across someone who has been denied. But bet your booty I am going to appeal if I do get denied. Ugh. This waiting game is killing me.

I am already setting my expectations to not have this surgery until September or October....BUT...after seeing many people who have had to do this 6 month weight loss thing...I want to call my insurance company and see if I have to do that so I can get started on it now.

So I have uploaded a video to YouTube. Gross!!!!!!!! I can't believe that I have let me self get like that. So disgusting.

Ok I am going to go now. I just had to get that out of my system!